Abercrombie, Anxiety, and the Art of The Approach
How I overcame approach anxiety
In 2019, my 25th year on Earth, I spent a lot of time shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch. While their updated collection—featuring sleek use of the logo, or no branding at all—was more digestible than their early 2010 get-ups, it was not the reason for trips. It was because I was learning “Pick Up”.
In addition to Water Tower Place, the mall where A&F was, I was also a regular at three grocery stores near my office, and a trendy cocktail bar called Broken Shaker. Places I had rarely visited prior to beginning Neil Strauss’s 30-day social workout plan featured in his book “Rules of the Game”.
It was December 2019, 222 days since I started the 30-day plan. And I was stuck on Day 17: “Your mission is complete once you’ve successfully demonstrated the rings routine to two women or groups”. It was time to take another trip to A&F. But first, I had to hit H&M to buy socks. At least, that’s what I had planned to say if anyone asked why I was there.
8:00 PM, Tuesday: Left the office, walked down Michigan Ave towards H&M.
8:05 PM: No women downstairs, upstairs, or on the main floor near my age at H&M. Time to move along.
8:06 PM: Damn, it’s cold outside. I’m tired, too. Maybe I should just go home. I can always do this tomorrow.
8:10 PM: I force myself to make it to Water Tower Place, compromising that I only needed to make one approach.
8:15 PM: I’m in A&F, “looking for a new sweater”. There are two cute women shopping together. My heart rate picks up. Instead of going in for the approach, I grab a sweater off the wall and ask for a changing room. I say “thank you”, albeit with too much eagerness. The way the attendant looks at me makes me feel like I’m now under suspicion for theft, or being creepy. Still TBD.
8:18 PM: I’ve tried the sweater on. It fits me weird, so I take it off. I stare into the mirror, turning sideways to look at my profile. Then I turn back, and flex a la Arnold Schwarzenegger. “You’re the fucking man,” I whisper. I wink for good measure. My heart has receded from my throat, finding a resting place in my esophagus.
8:20PM: I return the sweater to its home. After taking one last deep breath, I remind myself of the opening line. I pick my head up to look for the women, but alas, they have left. Damn. My heart returns to its home.
8:21 PM: I leave the mall, and head home for the night. I’ll get ‘em tomorrow. Or maybe next week.
A few months later, I stumbled into a relationship with a girl who played soccer with my sister growing up. She reached out to me on the first dating app, Facebook. It didn’t matter to me, though, because I was just thankful to not have to use cold approach anymore. It was mentally exhausting. After several months of working at Pick Up, I could never get over my approach anxiety. I tried all of the relaxation tricks in the book—EMDR, breathing exercises, power poses, and alcohol—but my heart rate still skyrocketed prior to approaching.
The relationship that began on Facebook didn’t work out. But, due to this anxiety, and the inherent inauthenticity of Pick Up, I avoided returning to “The Game”. Consequently, I became over-reliant on dating apps. And with all of the work I’ve done to build a Great Cake of Life over that time, I felt like the apps discount the best parts of me now more than ever. I knew I was missing out on great opportunities for connection, but I was stuck.
So, about six months ago, I addressed my fears and concerns with my mentist (mentor/therapist). He shared four key perspectives:
Men tend to place attractive women on pedestals. Besides being pretty, how do you know any woman will be a good match for you if you don’t speak to her first?
Pick Up Art is very outcome focused; how many numbers can you get, how many women can you sleep with, etc. By relying on someone else’s reaction to determine the outcome, you are putting your self-esteem in their hands. He asked: “What if you change your desired outcome to be something you can control?”
Going places to “pick up” women is inauthentic, and could be perceived as creepy. Pursuing your interests and passions is authentic. Going places to pursue those things and meeting women there is authentic.
Make meeting strangers a natural part of your day-to-day. Don’t just approach attractive women, because you never know who you’ll meet or who you’ll be connected to if you widen your scope.
This opened my mind to the prospect of authentically approaching women. Changing my mindset was a slow process, however. There was a woman at my gym who often wore University of Michigan gear, my alma mater. I was curious when she graduated, and why she’d moved to Utah. But my approach anxiety resurfaced. Despite these new perspectives, I was still stuck.
My mentist challenged me: Next time you see her, learn one thing about her. That’s it, that’s all I had to do. I saw her again soon after, and forced myself to talk to her.
Despite my anxiety, I smiled. “Hey, I saw you wearing UofM stuff. Did you go to school there?” We proceeded to chat for five minutes or so. It was a nice conversation between two humans— no pickup line, no rings routine, and no “number close”. Near the end of it, I actually felt relaxed.
This interaction gave me the confidence to keep going. I’ve since approached 50+ strangers, resulting in several dates. I still get nervous every time. But, I have a lot more confidence. If I feel the anxiety creep back in, which usually happens if a woman is particularly attractive, there are two things I remind myself of beforehand:
My self-worth is not dictated by the outcome of the interaction.
I’ve never once had a truly bad interaction while approaching, even when using Pick Up Artist tactics.
Not only have I not had any bad experiences, a high majority of them are actually positive. Women welcome the interaction, partially out of respect for the inherent risk involved, but also because of a desire for connection. At a time when 45% of men aged 18-25 have never asked a woman out in person, now might be the best time in history to (ethically) approach strangers in public.
Since changing my method, I’ve been complimented on my boldness. Even better? I haven’t been to an Abercrombie & Fitch store since 2019.
It’s so underrated how anxiety approaching it is to talk to strangers in any setting. I appreciate you sharing what worked for you. I do always find it so rewarding when I can muster up the courage and talk to people.